yeah yeah, i know. critics does force you to improve, and you suppose to take it as a blessing. it means they who criticize, cares for your development. whatever that might be.

but... at this point of time. it makes me feel rather down. i take my work very seriously. at least since i worked here, i actually consider myself worthy to bear this profession. i take my bachelor degree in journalism, pay a lot of money, work my ass off with assignments, and force my head to know and understand things that aren't easy to apply. but after that small critic, that was delivered with a smile and good thought, i reconsider everything.

pity me. i can't take it as a positive thing. i fail myself in working to perfection. i give up on my first attempt to be somebody who has a particular skill in this particular task. i feel that I've failed my previous study, and that i don't belong in this field.

a part of me feel sorry for the way i look at things. I've come along way to get this position. not so many people made it. they can't find others that as qualified as me and my other friend. i failed to comprehend the privilege that I've earned.

maybe what i need to reconsider, is my way of thinking today. perhaps choosing to be in this foolish misery is my greatest failure for today.

*sigh*
this pms is torturing me.

before i go to bed last night, i reminded myself to pray.
i prayed for my dad, my grandparents, my mom, my sister, all of my family. i also prayed for ari. i prayed that ari, along with my other family who hasn't known and accepted Jesus as their savior, will eventually know Him, love Him, acknowledge Him as the only savior and God. Prayed that my loved ones will have the same happiness and assurance just like me. So they would be one with me in Christ. nothing more, nothing less.

i haven't done this kind of prayers for a long time. i guess i was just saying it, and weren't prepared for the battle. so the devil had me.

this morning, just as i woke up. i went upstairs to fetch my sis' clothes. before that, i was feeling nauseous, but i disregard it. it happened a lot to me. but when i held my head up to take the clothes, i blanked, and stumbled downstairs. as the minute i touch the first step, i know i was falling.

i cried for mom, and she got me in her hands, shaking, crying, all at the same time. it was too much for me. i can never see my mom like that. so the minute i realized she was sad and frightened of my well being, i rub her back and hush her. told her that i'm fine.

when she carried me all the way to her room. i understand why it happened. i know and in full aware that nothing has happened to me. no broken bones, no bad bleeding, just bruises and scratches. the angels of God cover for me, or else i would've been really crushed. the stairs was made of wood and it's almost 2,5 m high. it was so steep.

when i go into prayer warfare that night, i didn't realize to cover for my own self. i cover everybody else, but me. the devil knows what i'm up to. and he was furious. he knows the word of God will prevail and never leave me, so the only thing he could do, is made me sick. so i would curse my God in some way. but thank God, i didn't. i was laughing and saying thanks to His protection over me. it was a miracle. i know it in my knower.

on my way to the hospital, all i can think of is how great He's protection over me. i know that no weapon formed against me shall prosper. i prayed psalm 23 along the way. 'till we get to the ct scan.

Thank God nothing is wrong with my head. no internal bleeding. everybody was surprised, since they aware of the danger of the stairs. but my God, my Jesus loves me way too far to let anything happened to me. i feel blessed. i am blessed. :)

if only ari understands, 'betapa kayanya bagian yang ditentukanNya bagi orang2 kudus, dan betapa hebat kuasaNya atas aku yang percaya." i'm a living proof of it.

Glory to God!

got so many things on my mind lately, tapi since blogger is so hard to get into, ngepost apapun jadi lama dan tambah males.

first of all, i just realized that my mom knows little about me. dalam arti, what i like, what i'm good at, what i enjoy to do the most, those sort of things lah. tp klo ade gw, she's really fast in defining her talents and abilities. therefore, sometimes i wonder. in every time that she said i wasn't good at something, does she really took time to observe, aknowledge, listen, hear, anything that i've done? i wont say never, mungkin sangat jarang.

second, memikirkan kalau gw jauh dri apa yang diinginkan ari as a partner, sangat menyedihkan hati. his ex is home for end of year holiday or whatever. and entahlah, i'm not actually the sort of person who give too much considerations over someones past memories with anybody. tapi sama ari, i just feel insecure. padahal itu hal yg paling gw khawatirkan. i want to be with someone who can guarantee that my self secure stay in its place. instead, sekarang, i'm stuck with the idea of feeling jealous over memories. it tortures my mind. it intervene with my self-worth. i dont really like the situation.
the other night, ari bilang klo keluarganya baru aja pergi makan malem with his ex. then another negative thought hit me. his family must have really like her. not to mention his sisters. and how about me? not a chance. they're nice, i have to admit. but having your boyfriend's family having dinner with his ex?! sounds so ridiculous!!!

what happens then is somewhat confusing me. dengan teman2 semua pergi tahun baruan ke bali, i'm left to solve all my problems all alone. with no one to talk too. no one to share my feelings with. i definitely cant talk to ari. takut dia akan merasa i'm such a whiny person. complaining about situations all the time, especially about his ex.
about my mom?! it should be buried like burring a dead body. you can never speak about it again.

then how can i let go this burden?!

living with so many standards and expectations are collapsing people off. it drives us nuts, and it surely doesn't give us much advantages as well.
i've been living with tags that are placed by my mother since the time she knew i could tell which one is right and wrong according to her point of view. and from that moment, i am used to being put by what others think of me. they categorize me as a child with no abilities in drawing, and so i've developed that mentality ever since. entering design school was hard, leaving it wasted away, looks so much easy.
i don't mind with norms put up by God, but not with what people called religion. it's man made, and i don't believe men. they made God's wisdom looks like business, with something terribly goin' wrong because of the wrong people who work in it.
i do mind with people trying to fix up what my future is gonna like. "you'll enroll to this college, graduated this year, go on to this college to take that degree, finishing it at this year. you'll be married with this kind of man, not that one. i don't like that kind of man. you'll be married at this age, not now, not 2 years from now, not even 4 years from now. you'll be married at the time i wanted. it's not about you, it's about me who aren't ready, it's about me and my standards. and you'll be paying for this, and that. you'll be responsible for these things for as long as you live. you'll be this kind of person who has those sort of thinkings. you'll grow old just like this. not like me, but better!"
with all of these at work, why bother finding out how to live it? i have to say, it's depressing. it's stressing your life unconsciously. it drives you into a person that is just not you. you thought you fulfill your dreams, when it's actually others' dreams. you walk into what you think was your success, only to find out that it doesn't gives you a happiness that success brought. it's useless. it's hardening.
but what's worse is facing people with bold and progressive mind. them who taught you, little by little how to rebel against these standardize lives. they took part rebelling against the world as a teenager. well, i guess i missed that!
they develop a whole kind of freedom, the one that you never see it coming in your life. at least not in a short run. they started to inject your head with thoughts of breaking free, owning your own projection of your future. determining your own decisions, and bold enough to make the wrong ones in order to actually learn from it, to be better.
what they don't know *according to your perspective* is the responsibility that you took. no, correction, that you were given, or is it passed over?
the responsibilites that you have now, determines what is right and wrong, what is need to be done and what is not, what is rightfully yours and what is not. you might want to reject it, but you can't.

living standardize lives is painful. it's one of the main thing that keeps you awake at night, thinking of why this didn't happened, and that didn't come up like you wanted it to be. it what drives people confused, every single second of their life. it maybe the thing that keep people away from what they actually want to have.

i'm living one right now. and today, i feel it pressuring me over and over again.
what could actually resurrect me from it?

never knew that again, i encountered unconditional love from a mortal. after all these years, i've lived with the impressions that my mom expected the best and nothing but the perfect life for me. and until now, i haven't been moved from where i stand. i'm not perfect. and even though she thinks that i can be so, i'm not. i screwed up, and afraid to say it to her out loud. so all i know now, is that the mistake is there, and there's no other way to make it right.

i have to live with this mind set until the day it all ends and i'm attached to someone else. but until then, it's all mind to keep and embrace as a burden. today, i finally let it go to someone else. i share what i've felt for years now. to someone who i once thought as he who would never understand, he who would probably leave me for it. i was wrong. he actually accepted me the way i never think it possible. he's willing to try and have faith that if there's a will, there will come a way.

kisses aren't kisses after all, and hugs aren't just hugs after all. everything shares its purpose, and to be the one who accepted it, it's a trully blessing.

'whatever happens, i am blessed.'

IT REALLY HAS A BEAUTY AFTER ALL!

bonnie blooms! thanks to mr. hagi!! he took care of my cactuses very well indeed! sometimes i wonder, how come a spikey plant like cactus, that has a dessert and dry ground as their habitat, can produce a beautiful flower like that?! such a wonder!

along this past week, i feel blessed in every part of my life. on my work, my study, my relationship with friends, family and also ari. it's true what they said: when you feel blessed, you just can't contain it. it gets too much, you just got to give it away.

*andini slept at Bedroom, Kemang.

klo ngantuk, pastinya tidur.
laper, biar gak usah repot cari makan, tidur.
sakit kepala, tidur.
capek, tidur.
sakit punggung, tidur2an.
pusing mikirin masalah, tidur.
mikir, tidur.
kangen................ tidur!!!!!!!!!

tidur mungkin tidak menyelesaikan masalah, tapi it works wonderfully on me. otak jadi segar, dan vitalitas kembali normal!
yeah!!!

working on a deadline, with rick price's song, only heaven knows playing out of yadien's comp. frustrating!!! not to mention he keep on repeating the lyrics, boyz 2 men style... arrgghhh hahahahahaha.. this is nuts! i interviewed 3 girls in one day! what a race to deadline!!

cant wait till tomorrow, stepping my feet to jakarta. but umm, just remembered, i haven't picked up my ticket yet! argh! that means i have to wake up earlier again today, go get my ticket, and the rest of the time? walking down alone, try to get something to take it home. little window shopping maybe!
:D